men & a s s umptions

Perhaps Thats the problem with us women. We expect too much from a creature driven only by self wants & needs. It is our mistake for thinking that, if only just once, they can be as thoughtful & conssiderate as we are. Maybe just once they'll think of us in a random moment & do something cute just because, with no other motive then to put a smile on our face. But then again, of course that's too much to ask for....

I simply want, for once, for him to go out of his way and do something nice the way I do for him. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm not even askin for him to spend money, but damn ,
Whatever, that's men, and more then likely, it aint gonna happen...


C'est la vie,
Joselyn<3

I found this,

I have this thing where, when i'm in the moment, and i feel these things i can't explain, i write. And after my move, i was unpacking & i found this.. and it's crazy because reading it now, i know exactly why i wrote it. I know where i was coming from. Exactly what event took place to make me feel this way. I kind of wanted to share it, because it's so true.. even now..

"So complications arise. Problems ensue and stress is inevitable. We fight, we care, we waste our time, for what? Experiences? So later on in life we can be like, 'been there, done that!' But is it worth it? I honestly don't know. All i know is that no matter how much trouble i got in, i wouldnt trade it for the world. Life is about fucking up. Hooking up. Breaking up. Getting up. Dusting yourself off and laughing for being so stupid for falling in the first place. But laughs turn to tears as we realize that the fall, hurts. That when we get back up, the pain of the impact does not simply get dusted away with the rest of the dirt. The pain has left a mark, a scratch, a bruise, a scar. Wether we like it or not, the pain stays with us forever, in small bits, for the rest of our lives. we mask it, cover it, conceal it. Forget about it. But it's always there. Reminding us not to be stupid enough to fall again. But we do. And we just continue adding names to our list of dissapointments. Before we know it, the paper overflows and we're stuck picking up pieces once again. So dirty from falling so many times, that the dirt doesn't come out with a simple dusting. So we scrub and scrub trying to wash away the evidence. But we don't prevail.. "



Deep shit, huh?



C`est la vie,
Joselyn<3

Just a thought,

Words. They hurt more than one could imagine. Especially from those who supposedly care about us. I can't seem to understand why one person's words could impact me so greatly. Or cause me to feel the way that i do. One person. Can make me. Feel like complete. Shit. Like worthless. Like nothing. I hate that. I despise people having even just a little bit of control over my emotions. I try so hard to be strong and not let it bother me, but how could I? That one person is supposed to mean something to you, and you to them, but its just so difficult



On another note, I'm PISSED. How would you fell if you accidently stumbled upon a conversation between your significant other and his ex. Freakin AIM man, gets soo many people in trouble! Like are you fucking kidding me?! Now here's my dilemma, had I not seen that, i would have never known they talked, cuz I'm pretty sure he wasn't gonna tell me, which then leads me to believe, how many other times mite they have talked that i dont know about? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but uhh, if u were in my shoes what would u think? I know Damn well had it been me, he'd be pissed too. Its hard enough as it is to trust people nowadays, and I'm giving this person a part of me thats very easily hurt, now imbstarting to question the trust I put in him, and thats major. Idk I need time to think rite now...


C'est la vie,
Joselyn

Today is Friday and,

I deff did not go to school. Why? Cuz i didn't feel like it, that's why. lol
But uh, anyways... I'm kinda not having a great day. It started not so great cuz Mike, who also did not go to school, lol, was supposed to come over. But didn't end up coming until about 1:40-ishh, which was an epic failure because he had to leave by 2:40-ish cuz he has a game in carajo land today. And he starts, which is cool and all, but urghh. He's not coming back till like 11 either so i won't see him till tomoro prolly. And all the adults are going to this club things. And i was invited, but GUESS WHAT?! I'm not 18 -______- so i'm not getting in. And it made me more mad cuz i realized the summer after i Gradute is gonna SUCK ASS. Why?! because i don't turn 18 till September. FML. Meaning everyone is gonna go party and have fun all summer and stay out and get crazyy, but NOOOO, i have to be home at a "reasonable time" and still ask my mom to go out, because i'm gonna be 17! Then when Mike does come over, i have a 'face' and he asks "What's Wrong" and i say "Nothing" And blah blah etc. Ohh did i mention the greatest part is that i get to babysit tonite while everyone goes out? Yup, 5 kids. -_______________-
another major FML!

Jeebuss mayne, the onlyy perk is i get paid today! gonna go buy a shirt ( =


C`est la vie,
Joselyn

Confusion.

Soo, i've mentioned how undescribably happy i am with my boyfriend right? How absolutely amazing he is and how he makes me feel like im on cloud 9.

But here's my dilema,
i'm a realist. i don't believe things last forever. and i know high school romances are just that, immature and young and not very well thought out. Even those who think they love each other to hell and back don't make it. I know this all, i preached it hundreds of times to my friends who thought they were in love (with losers no less). But now, i'm in the situation. My heart tells me, this is real. This is love. This is what i've wanted for forever. This is the man who i want to be with. Maybe not for forever but for pretty damn close. I wanna experience life with him. I want it all. But then i snap back to reality. And my head is telling me to live in the moment cuz who knows how long the moments gonna last. But i don't wanna not be with him. I can't imagine myself being with any other man. I can't fathom someone else making me feel the way he makes me feel.

And he's also not a loser, like most girls date & end up leaving. He doesn't come with a track record, or drama, or lame friends, and he's not a player, and he appreciates me. He doesn't talk down to me, or ask anything of me other than give him some love back. I can appreciate that. He is truly the epitome of what i've ever wanted. I can't imagine him doing anything to ever hurt me and i'm afraid that he's so perfectly unperfect that i mite mess something up. that has to be my greatest fear, to hurt the person that i love over something stupid. or idk. But i would never wish to ruin or mess up anything that we have. I Cherish it greatly. I value every minute we spend together and i'm overcome with sadness and loneliness when he's gone.

I'm internally conflicted with the fact that as much as i want to say this is just some puppy love and everyone has a first love, and i'm gonna love someone else again and feel just as great, and heartache & growing up and blah blah blahhh, but at the same time, I DON't CARE. i want him. i wanna be with him. i don't ever want to lose him. Ever. I don't wanna love anyone else the way i love him. (and i suppose in a sense i won't but u catch my drift..) I want it to be me and him. And it's not like there aren't high school sweethearts, who actually stay together for like years and years and years and forever. lol

I don't freakin know. i guess i'm just gonna have to let things happen and see...


C`est la vie,
Joselyn

It's been awhile, so lets V E N T ..

Alrite, its been like, uhhh, 2 months and change since my last blog? that means i've got 2 months and change of BULLSHIT to blog about!

Buenooo, let's start with, i've lost someone that used to be very close to me. Not in death, just in being. Like it's crazy that it happened, and i still can't believe it. Something i never thought would happen, and here i am. In life though, some things are for the best i suppose. I just thought that since we're growing up, we'd mature, no? Like how are you gonna come at me with little kid shit? I'm sorry that having a boyfriend means i can't devote every hour of my day to you. I'm sorry you're job doesn't let us hang out. I'm sorry that you feel neglected when i've done nothing but try my best to make it work. And by no means am i trying to play victim. Ohhhhh Nooo, i refuse. I'm just pissed that it's all blamed on him. Because in all honesty he isn't the reason. This was bound to happen wether he was there or not. Ever since senior year started and things were different then they were last year. This was just the straw that broke the camels back. And sadly, as sad as i am to see it go, i'm not gonna bitch and whine about it. I'm not gonna punk out and apologize for things i had no control over. And for the record, anything that happens, is between me and her. No outside sources, no other shit. Our issues are our issues and we alone have to chose to either fix or leave them be. At this moment, i rather let them be. The situation is still fresh and if we aggitate it more, we're gonna end on bad terms. Well, worse i suppose. Like WDF?! how do you go from talking to someone everyday to not talking to them at all? Like can she not understand how much it hurts to not have her there anymore? The other day something hilarious happened that i wish i could tell her because she's the only person who would have found it funny. Because she knows me. Because we've been through enough bullshit and drama and boys and drama and bullshit. Because i love her like a sister. And seriously, its like my sister went away to another country; But i still see her everyday. We just choose not to associate. WDF?! I hate to admit it, but i do miss her. As much as she was a pain in my ass sometimes, she knows me the best. I ask her things about me because i forget. We've had countless adventures. Fun ass times. There's so many things i can't talk to anyone else about because they don't know. Getting a new bestfriend is hard. Can i have mine back? I suppose not...


But anyways, On a lighter note... I think it's safe to say...

Im in L O V E. Yes, the cheezy, cute, young type love. And trust me on this, i'm a realist, and i disgust myself because i've become the epitome of what i hated. Ughh. I never belived in love or all that bullshit. Guys are all the same right? WRONG. and that's not a biased opinion ; Honestly. I've found someone who never ceases to amaze me (in the good way) and just makes me feel amazing. I've never had someone show me so much affection and love and care. And it's GENUINE. He asks for nothing. Just for me to simply be there. And maybe sometimes show him a little love back. (but only sometimes ; ) Someone who whenever i need something, i can call. Someone who goes out of his way to please me. (stop thinking dirty!) Now here comes the corniest/cheeeziest part of it all; you know how you read or hear about that when you find "the one" or some bullshit or other, that you know because of the first kiss ; there's a 'spark' or like fireworks. And you're tummy does a little flip. And you melt inside because you know. That maybe not forever, but for right now, this is where you're supposed to be. With this one person. Enveloped in their arms. And maybe just maybe, for that second, it's the perfect moment. And you wanna live it over and over again. But then you realize you can, because this amazing person in front of you, isn't going anywhere. At least not any time soon.. I used to believe that was BULLLLSHIITTTTTT. Something made up by like Hollywood or something to idolize love when it was just crap. Well... Guess WHAT?! .....I FELT THE SPARK! ughh! It made me mad because not only was i proved wrong, but then i felt all cheezy and whatnot because i did. And truly and honestly, ever since that moment, i can't get enough of him. We see eachother every damn day and i still miss his ass when he leaves. Like earlier today, we were laying on my bed, watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman, and he was tired and sore from practice so he was napping (and i tried to too, but the movie was distracting me) and i just looked at him and thought, Wow, i really am lucky.. (*gag* lmao) i know, i know, I hate sounding corny and cliche, but what the hell, its true! Well anyways, point is, after he left for practice, i missed him. Ridiculously. And i couldn't understand why. This person who i haven't even known for that long has captivated me. Brought me to a place i never dreamed i would be. He awakened apart of me i never knew existed. I never thought i could care so much for someone else. It's refreshing. I can't begin to explain how he makes me feel. But that's maybe some other time..



C`est la vie
Joselyn<3

New Moon

OMG. so New Moon comes out tonite. and i'm going! lol w my momma. We're off to go see it in like half an hour. Then i'll come home, SLEEP. and school in the AM ( =

I'll be satisfied so long as its better than the first.



C`est la vie,
Joselyn<3